Saturday, December 22, 2007

Can't Let You Take Me Away...

Christmas is a happy and sad time for all... well all the people that I know anyway.
Trying to come up with money to buy gifts for others... putting off paying bills just to see someone smile... I'm guilty of it too

But what I hadn't anticipated was that someone I love dearly trying to take me away from all I enjoy...
I love spending time with my parents... there are so few people who can say that (actually they find it DISTURBING that I talk to and visit my parents EVERY SINGLE day... hmmm)
I love reading... I've been told I read too much (though I think THAT'S impossible)
I love writing... I've been told I write too much (though I think THAT'S insane)
I love talking to my friends on the phone... I've been told I talk to them too much (though when we talk, they can't handle my realism and concreteness... say what you mean and mean what you say)

I know it's a cry for attention and I must be honest... always have been, always will be
I'm self-absorbed and they knew that upon meeting me 10 years ago
Not so self-absorbed that I'm selfish... just self-absorbed in a way that makes me a highly motivated person... because my kids need a better future... and it depends on the baby steps I'm taking now

But Aquarians have been known to be unsympathetic and aloof... I'm guilty... especially if you try to take ME away... I back away from you... feeding you morsels of myself, just enough to make your mouth water... just enough to let you know I still love and care for you but I won't indulge in your toxicity. That's just me... and when you become too poisonous, I disappear.

So maybe I'll read a little less... maybe, I'll write one less paragraph but I won't do much more than that. I can't do much more than that. What will become of ME... the ME that I love, the ME that I enjoy. I've sacrificed all that I can and sadly for them, I'm not willing to sacrifice much more.

I saw a saying in a store yesterday:

Don't spend all of your time preparing for the future, that you forget to live

It was meant for me, I know that. So I grabbed my WWJD coin from my pocket and rubbed it, then thanked Him. When I got home, I passed the coin on to someone I know who needs it more than me... maybe they'll do some self-reflection and realize that what I do makes me happy and in turn should make them happy... maybe they'll find a hobby that makes them just as happy... maybe they'll stop being so selfish and realize that all I do is for the love of them, my kids, and my parents but also for the love of myself. Because, heaven forbid, I lose them all tomorrow, there will aways be a book to read and a book to write that will ease my pain... and make me smile.

Stay peace



Jennifer C. said...

I don't know what to say. I understand not allowing anyone to steal your joy or who you are.

I wish I could help, bring some light on the situation.

Yasmin said...

Don't spend all of your time preparing for the future, that you forget to live


Shonell Bacon said... moved me with this. i SO know where you are coming from. it's hard, it really is, but in the end, you have to do for you. no one can - one meaning something who isn't selfish - be truly happy if he or she zap all of YOU from yourself...*hugs*

Sunida E said...

You said it... you have to be you! Selfish people usually don't even realize that they are being that way. Besides, you have to have an outlet or two.

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