Prison Mentality Permeating Reality

Created January of last year...

Prison Mentality Permeating Reality

Steel smacks steel as I dream
of a quiet place
where names were created by letters not numbers
summers spent 'out in the yard'
bore a different meaning
back when time raced and
I chased it
Now sitting around wasting it
has taken a substantial amount of my autobiography
and made my life irrelevant

Organized like the perfect planner
mindless banter with knuckle-heads
and bones slapping tables
Better times were when I was able
to eat when I wanted to eat
play when I wanted to play
I could move on or I could stay
but this residence, is my consequence
an it's almost time for lights out
midnight shouts
as the screams of souls un-living
yearn for the yesteryear

I've tried to be free mentally
it only works as long as you’re
not being sought to be shanked
booked and yanked by those
supposing to protect you
'I'm gone break yo neck fool'
echoes in eardrums that have long
left society

I left from behind bars
baring emotional scars
that give me night sweats
and jitterbugs
watching shadows
breathing shallow
I had to go back

It's easier to deal with enemies when you know who they are....

1.2007 Genesis

No tolerance for dumb things!

When I woke up this morning my husband informed me that Lebron James was going to jail... I said 'HUNH' not Broni (that's my lil nick name for him...lol I name all the basketball players). Then he told me the brotha was speeding... okay... so? Then he told me he was doing over 100 mph in a 65 mph zone... I said 'lock his behind up!' While we both know he won't go to jail over this (maybe pay a fine and do some community service), I just can't understand why he 'chose' to drive so fast... I just have no tolerance for dumb things...

Then poor Marion J, lawd have mercy on her and her babies, is wrapped up in check fraud... can't understand it... don't know how she got in that mess, but I'm sure it had to do with a man... leading her into temptation... But why? I'm disappointed... check fraud? I'm clueless... but I have no tolerance for dumb things... No comment on the steroids... even though that's stupid too.

I couldn't be a judge... I'd lock everybody up. Say something stupid... you'd get three to five... Think something stupid (I'm telepathic... no usually it's written all over peoples faces)... you'd get five to ten... Act stupid... you'd get LIFE!

My momma taught me to THINK... she also taught me when to listen and when to speak (a few back-handed slaps drove the message well!) I carry those messages like a schizophrenic hearing voices... they follow me... they guide me... Now I question, would money... fame make them hard to listen to? Or is it we have expectations for celebrities and when they mess up, even if one time, we have to punish them harshly for their mistake? Ion know... all I do know is I have no tolerance for dumb things and as sad as it may be, these two people have been knocked down a notch on my celebrity scale. Their images, for me, will forever be tarnished by their inability to THINK!

stay peace

Genesis

I Go On and On, On and On

Ohh, my, my, my
I'm feelin' high
My money's gone
I'm all alone
Too much 2 see, the world keeps turnin'
Oh what a day, what a day, what a day

Peace & blessins' manifest
With every lesson learned
If yo knowledge were yo wealth
Then it would B well earned
If we were made in His image
Then call us by our names
Most intellects do not B-lieve in God
But their fear us just the same.

On & On and On & On
My cipher keeps movin' like a rollin' stone
I go On & On and On & On
Alright till the break of dawn
On & On and On & On
My cipher keeps movin' like a rollin' stone
On & On and On & On
Got damnit I'ma sing my song

I connected my mp3 player to my stereo and my husband observed that I had exactly 8 songs by Erykah Badu on that device. I said "Hell yeah, she's one of my top 5", he shook his head... not wanting me to go into another LONG explanation of why she deserves such a standing. The above lyrics to On & On is the 'short' version of why she sits with me on my throne. Now, I didn't plan on making a blog about why she's important to me and I'm still not going to (gotcha!). But I will say that her music (lyrics), along with Jill Scott, Floetry, Meshelle Ndgellocello (ohh, I butchered her last name), Musiq Soulchild (and all my other neosoul favs) stay in heavy rotation in my home.

Sometimes when I don't understand my man, I listen to Teach Me by Musiq...

I was told the true definition of a man was to never cry
Work till your tired (yeah) got to provide (yeah)
Always be the rock for my fam, protect them by all means
(and give you the things that you need, baby)
Our relationship is (suffering) trying to give you (what I never had)
You say I don't know to love you baby
Well I say show me the way
I keep my feelings (deep inside I)
Shadow them (with my pride eye)
I'm trying desperately baby just work with me

Teach me how to love
Show me the way to surrender my heart, girl I'm so lost
Teach me how to love
How I can get my emotions involved
Teach me, show me how to love
Show me the way to surrender my heart, girl I'm lost
Teach me how to love
How I can get my emotions involved
Teach me, how to love

and like magic... I understand...

They validate my struggles... makes the blow easier to deal with when you know you're not unique in your problems. They celebrate the very things I celebrate... Black love, family, solidarity, individuality, peace, freedom, awareness etc. Somehow I feel... represented and feeling so, I must show appreciation by exposing those around me to their feel-good-ness.

Remember when your parents played all that blues... and you didn't understand WHY they liked that slow, depressing... umm... music? I remember, and to this day, can hear some older man singing about a man named 'Uncle Bud' who, to me, was perverse and embarrassing. My opinion wasn't important at the time... since I was a kid... but now... I understand. Though I don't know the message in the song, I'm sure the music was symbolic of something... something they were going through, something they felt... That something is what propelled my parents to play it... just as that 'something' makes me press repeat on my stereo... until he kids start singing along... then... well...

So... what songs/artists make you Go On & On?

Don't You Give Up (An Ode to Sequence and Life)

Don't You Give Up (An Ode to Sequence and Life)

Don't you give up… a-keep going, a-keep going, a-keep going ahh

Don't you give up… a-keep going, a-keep going, a-keep going ahh

I said get up, get up, get up, get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up, get up
Sit back down

Right on up, we're gonna funk you right on up

Sequence said it best

Testing us to get up and shake what our mommas gave us

They raised us and made us want more

Of something

Something that we didn't understand back then

Something we thought beyond our reach back then and

Something we still strive for

Again and again, man

Hey you sitting over there

You betta get up outta yo chair

And work your body down

No time to funk around

Cause we've got work to do

can't let small things

Stand between you and greatness

Debating between failure and defeat

Sitting with negativity begging at your feet

Overcoming the overcame

And still singing slave ship spirituals

You better ask somebody upwardly mobile

Holding success in their hearts

Working smarter for the almighty dollar

Saying prayers and counting blessings

While you're at home still trying to learn old lessons, but

Don't you give up… a-keep going, a-keep going, a-keep going ahh

Don't you give up… a-keep going, a-keep going, a-keep going ahh

One of my sistas told me

I was an untapped resource

My own worst enemy

Blinded by the bling

And chasing dreams from my living room sofa

Another of my sistas told me

I stood for things I didn't know of

Told me being down only meant I had one way to go

Showed me how to cultivate the motivation

By changing my radio station

And the revelation was endless

Ring-ding-dong
Ring a ding-ding-ding-dong
Ring-ding-dong
Ring a ding-ding-ding-dong

Then it happened

I found that `IT'

That `go tell it on the mountain' mentality

Fallacy had me believing the unbelievable

Now I know TRUTH

Sound the alarm

`cause it's a new day and I'm living it MY way

Palms together, sweaty, like I'm praying for the first time

Eyes wide open, like I'm seeing for the first time

Ignoring that knock on my door… for the first time

Evil wants to gain entrance

Despair wants to have breakfast and

Sin wants to wrestle… for old time's sake

But I don't have a moment for them… anymore

Don't want their company… anymore

Glory is delighting in my abode and I enjoy basking in its brilliance

I love its warm and humbling feeling

And I invite you to indulge

I invite you to partake in its awakening sensation

Invite you in for some `real' conversation

All you have to do is…

Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up

But you can't sit back down…ahh

12.24.07 Genesis

Can't Let You Take Me Away...

Christmas is a happy and sad time for all... well all the people that I know anyway.
Trying to come up with money to buy gifts for others... putting off paying bills just to see someone smile... I'm guilty of it too

But what I hadn't anticipated was that someone I love dearly trying to take me away from all I enjoy...
Yeah
I love spending time with my parents... there are so few people who can say that (actually they find it DISTURBING that I talk to and visit my parents EVERY SINGLE day... hmmm)
I love reading... I've been told I read too much (though I think THAT'S impossible)
I love writing... I've been told I write too much (though I think THAT'S insane)
I love talking to my friends on the phone... I've been told I talk to them too much (though when we talk, they can't handle my realism and concreteness... say what you mean and mean what you say)

I know it's a cry for attention and I must be honest... always have been, always will be
I'm self-absorbed and they knew that upon meeting me 10 years ago
Not so self-absorbed that I'm selfish... just self-absorbed in a way that makes me a highly motivated person... because my kids need a better future... and it depends on the baby steps I'm taking now

But Aquarians have been known to be unsympathetic and aloof... I'm guilty... especially if you try to take ME away... I back away from you... feeding you morsels of myself, just enough to make your mouth water... just enough to let you know I still love and care for you but I won't indulge in your toxicity. That's just me... and when you become too poisonous, I disappear.

So maybe I'll read a little less... maybe, I'll write one less paragraph but I won't do much more than that. I can't do much more than that. What will become of ME... the ME that I love, the ME that I enjoy. I've sacrificed all that I can and sadly for them, I'm not willing to sacrifice much more.

I saw a saying in a store yesterday:

Don't spend all of your time preparing for the future, that you forget to live

It was meant for me, I know that. So I grabbed my WWJD coin from my pocket and rubbed it, then thanked Him. When I got home, I passed the coin on to someone I know who needs it more than me... maybe they'll do some self-reflection and realize that what I do makes me happy and in turn should make them happy... maybe they'll find a hobby that makes them just as happy... maybe they'll stop being so selfish and realize that all I do is for the love of them, my kids, and my parents but also for the love of myself. Because, heaven forbid, I lose them all tomorrow, there will aways be a book to read and a book to write that will ease my pain... and make me smile.

Stay peace

genesis

I Anxiously Await 2008

So many lessons learned in 2007. Some would say they were bad events, I just call them challenges. All of the struggling, I know for sure, is for the good that is to come in 2008. The one thing I learned, and preached but had not practiced, is planning. I fell short. Planning a few things and leaving others to umm... destiny, when they shouldn't have be left there. I know better now.

Things I've prayed for have come to fruition... not in the way I wanted them to come... but they're here and I must embrace them... though differently, but embrace them still the same. Just to give you an example of what I mean... I prayed for more time to devote to writing... then I was laid off, in June... and I wrote and still write. I prayed to be able to go back to school... graduate school... found out that I could apply to the city for funding... yes free money... but it didn't cover graduate studies... got the money and attended a technical school... am now a PC Specialist... finished the 14 week program in 4 weeks... cause I'm a nerd and serious about my shit (Thanks Ms. Badu, that's the best line ever!).

But you see, I'm not scared of a little struggling or even a lot of it. Cause then things are right, they are REAL right and I can't accept the good without a little of the other.

Stay peace and focused
genesis

2007 NaNoWriMo Winner!

Yeah... I did it! There is no other feeling like finishing something that is grueling, challenging, and to some... crazy.

I completed my 50K words last night and I feel so liberated. The intensity of what I feel is better than it was when I participated in NaNoWriMo the first time; 2006. I knew what I was going into this time and still made it out... ALIVE. A little sleep deprived but I'm living, and breathing, and thanking the high heavens that it is now over!

Yes, you read correctly... I am ELATED that it is over!!! It is a hard task to add another item on my daily to-do list when November rolls around. Not to mention the -itis I get because of all the Thanksgiving food and birthday cake I eat each year at this time. Then old man winter rolls his head my way making me less excited about most things.

Well... here is my thingy to make it official


Now I have 'heard' some interesting things while I was holed up next to my computer. Don't kill me but I haven't had time to research them but they are never-the-less, to me, research worthy.

On ESPN this week it was said that 1 out of every 2 men will develop some form of cancer.

• Now there are 3 males in my household, my husband and two sons, so at least one of them will develop it
• Between mine and my mother's household there are six males, so half of them will develop cancer
• Definitely have to look into this further

I heard on the news last night that Cleveland is the 9th most depressed city in the month of December YET we have more mental health resources then most large cities

• Could be this cold ass weather we have
• Could be the sucky job market
• As someone on the show said... could be The Browns (who happen to be doing very well at this time)
• Could also be the lack of money to pay for mental health services (Hint! Hint!)

A friend of mine told me that Lady Bugs emit a smell when they feel threatened.

• I've never smelled on but I get them alot during this time of the year. They happen to like my bathroom color. Seems as though they find white appealing or like the smell of my kids boo- boo

I found out that there is a such thing as NaNoEdMo that takes place in March (2008) where authors sign up to log in 50 hours of editing for the month

• Are you effing crazy?
• I'm still editing my manuscript from 2006 NaNoWriMo
• Chris Baty needs to whip y'all's asses for that, IMO... lol
  

One more interesting thing I found out was that my mom knows the lyrics to Crank That by Soulja Boy...hmmm and she knows the other versions of the song like Crank That Batman, Crank That Superman, etc. Hell, I didn't even know about those songs...

Real hip-hop, please rescue me...

Okay, just wanted to have a little fun since I don't have to be permanently attached to MS Word until November 2008! Stay peace and see you tomorrow... yes, I'm back BABY!